I wrote this post on March 1st, a day or two after seeing my friend. By Saturday, March 9th 2013, she passed away. I'm posting this anyway. I will write more about my friend, Kim...probably tonight...because if I don't write right now, I'm going to go crazy with my thoughts. I need to get them out of my head. It's 4:30 am right now, I've been up since 2:00. And, honestly, I'm glad I have this little blog to get it all out. So, thank you.
I have a friend who is living with cancer. As of late, the battle she has endured to keep her health has been difficult to say the least. I struggle with what to say...what do you say to someone who may be nearing the end of their journey in life? I hope to God she is here a very long time, but as I write this, her situation is scaring the heck out of me. Miracles can happen, and I will keep praying for one....
Recently I went to see my friend Kim in the hospital. I entered the room, and when she saw me, she outstretched her hand and said, 'Jenn, I think it has caught up to me. I don't know if I can beat this anymore'. I told her to hold on, and ducked into her bathroom to wash my hands before sitting with her-half to not give her any germs, and half to snap myself out of the wave of emotion that hit me when I walked in. She didn't need to see me losing it. And I didn't want her to end up consoling me. So I turned on the water~COLD~and snapped out of it.
I asked God, the Universe, the Angels....to keep me strong for my friend. I could leave that room and lose it later, this visit would not be about me.
She had difficulty breathing, talking was difficult. I told her not to talk, I would be with her, regardless. But she wanted to talk. She wanted to say the things I really didn't want to hear about how she felt she was losing this battle. Even though I wanted to say, NO! You are NOT going to lose this!! I didn't. I let her talk. I said no matter what was ahead, I would listen and be there for her.
Before my third daughter was born, I said goodbye to my Aunt "Hi Doll", her name was Georgeanna, but honestly, no one called her that. She was "Hi Doll" because that's how she addressed everyone when she saw you. She was the best. She was who we all wanted to sit next to at family parties, gossiping and eating cream puffs. She died when I was 9 months pregnant with our youngest. I like to think that she held my daughter before I did.
There was a visit I paid to her when she was toward the end of her life in the hospital {colon cancer}. She smiled even though she was in unimaginable pain. She consoled me during that visit. She spoke to me about being okay with death, and told me how she would miss all of us, and about how not getting to see the kids grow up was the hardest part for her. I remember saying to her, 'Don't say that, you are going to be okay'.
I knew she wasn't.
I look back on that day and I feel bad that I didn't just let her say what she needed to say without having to defend her statements.....she was at peace, and tried to help me get to that place too. That visit has stayed with me. And Hi Doll's lesson of acceptance and walking through the unimaginable with dignity is what is helping me now with my friend.
I let my friend talk. I let her say the tough things. I listen. I try to do what Hi Doll tried to teach me...sometimes you just need to say what needs to be said. Even if it is something you don't want to hear. You can handle it. You can throw cold water on yourself and be as brave as your friend. Just listen.
{Jenn}
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