Water {part 2}

As I drove through lovely traffic today to do some much needed grocery shopping, I realized something.  I was kid-free.  I was blaring the radio.  And I was driving to BJ's on a Friday night in my minivan.  Wow.  What a great night I was going to have..... 

But then I remembered that my friend who just passed away would've given anything to take another 'annoying trip to the grocery store', and I decided to change my perspective from "have to" to "get to".  Like I "get to" go buy groceries for that family of mine. They are all healthy, and I have the money to buy what we need.  Enough said.  By the time I walked into the store, I was in a better mood.

My cart looked like Mount Everest by the time I hit the frozen food area.  As I forced my cart around the corner of the aisle, I saw a man struggling to get out of one of those ride-on cart things, and I asked if I could reach something for him.  He used his cane to right himself, and said that his cart had a dead battery.  He was going to try to walk back up to the front of the store to get a new one.  No offense to the sweet man, but he wasn't going to get all the way back up to the front of the store without an issue.  I offered to get someone to help find him a new one.  While he protested, an employee I saw earlier {who was collecting boxes for the store} came by, and I asked if he would help.  He said yes, but looked at me like 'thanks alot lady'....and I kind of thought he might not come back...he had looked pretty aggravated earlier when I saw him by the yogurt.

While we waited, the stranded man struck up quite the conversation with me.  Turns out he was retired, and had worked on the school board for Harvard.  His wife {who was somewhere in the store} was a retired nurse for children with special needs.  He asked what I did for a living, and wondered if I had kids, etc....small talk while we waited.  It was kind of funny, like we were old friends or something.  He was very sweet, and while checking out my cart, suggested I put back the ice cream sandwiches, and get my kids the drumstick ice cream cones, because 'they were more fun~and you get more in the box'.  I agreed, and put the sandwiches back... 

I was hoping that the box~guy would come back soon with a new ride-on cart, since my ice cream was surely melting, and I felt bad leaving this man alone {apparently not many people think grocery shopping is a fun Friday night activity}. 

It didn't take that long, and the box~guy turned the corner on a charged-up, ride-on cart.  Everyone who was near us in the frozen food area cheered for him, and I threw my arms in the air, hootin and hollerin.  How we ended up with a crowd, I do not know.  You should've seen the box-guys face light up~it was like he just won the Indy 500 or something.  It was hysterical. 

The older man was appreciative, the box guy was beaming, and the older guys wife turned the corner, like what the heck is going on?!!   I said,  "Your husband broke down, and he needed some assistance".  She cracked up,  saying it figures he would've gotten help from a nice young lady...

Maybe we all needed some assistance, because after the sweet couple got on their way, and the rest of us back to shopping and working, we were all a little better off than we were before the break-down.   There is nothing special about doing the right thing, we all make countless decisions to be kind everyday~but being really aware of those kind acts, and watching the ripple effect that is created because of them~that is the fun part.
Another reminder of my favorite speech....it's all water, isn't it? 


Have a great day!

{Jenn}

*Picture I used was found here at "My Sweet Savannah", and traced back to this site as well.  I tried to find original credit, if I missed something, let me know.

Water

My friend Nancy gave me the book, "This Is Water" a few years ago.  It's in the form of a book, but it is actually a commencement speech, written by an author who is no longer with us {David Foster Wallace}.   I have read it many, many times, as it only contains about a sentence or two on each page.  The subject matter?  Compassion.  I'm starting to see that when I write, it's one of my favorite topics.

My husband, who has always said he is "not a reader" has also read this book countless times.  I promise every time you read it, you will notice something else, or remember a situation that fits into the authors examples.  Read it, then sit with it in your mind.  Then read it again.

No, I get no 'kick-back' for you reading it...but if you know me, then you already know I am a bit of a 'book-pusher' :)  If I read something that moves me, I want you to be moved too.  I can't help it.  Know now that there will be more posts about amazing books on this blog.  {You have been warned}

The other day, as I attempted to hustle through Walmart to grab groceries while my youngest daughter was at a retreat for the afternoon, I was reminded of this book.  I'm actually reminded of this book a lot.  I want you to read it.  I want you to remember it too.

It was Saturday, it was the afternoon, and it was the day before all the news channels predicted we were getting snow.  Does that give you a picture of what the grocery area of Walmart looked like?  People galore, carts all over, and people riding those carts that beep when they back up {sometimes I wonder if the beeping is just a courtesy to let you know you are about to be involved in an accident...}.  It was really not the way I like to go shopping, but it needed to get done, so there I was. 

As I looked around, people looked kind of aggravated~not everyone, but a decent amount.  It reminded me that I had a decision to make.  This was either going to be the worst grocery shopping day of my life, or I was going to focus on something else.  I decided that I would just smile at people who caught my eye, and see how they reacted.  I wasn't going to get done any faster if I was ticked off, so I just smiled, and went along my way, expecting for it to take awhile.

What I noticed was people smiled back, even if their expression was of total disgust when I first caught their eye.  Remember, we were all like sardines, carts banging into each other....but making the decision to smile turned out to be helpful.  People seemed to get nicer.  They let me get by.  And something else I noticed?  Birds.  Above all the kids crying, people muttering under their breath, and general chaos, I could hear birds chirping {birds are a whole other topic for me....God knows that is another post~a former phobia of mine~but in this instance they were all good}.  So I focused my attention on hearing the birds chirping, flying around Walmart, and smiling {I don't meditate for nothing you know...it helps}.

When I got to the deli counter, I went to grab a number from the ticket~thing, but a woman pulled up in a cart, and beat me to it.  If I would've been sucked into the bad energy of everyone being ticked, I may have gotten aggravated, but I wasn't.  I smiled.  And the sweet woman, who reached up to take a ticket from her ride-on cart noticed me, and handed me her ticket.  I tried to say no, that I would take the next one, and she said, "Hey, don't worry about it, at least while I'm waiting I get to sit down, you have to stand!".  We both laughed, and I didn't fight her on it anymore.

It seems that she had a decision to make too.  I didn't know the woman, but clearly she had a medical reason to be on that cart, and she decided not to be angry about it.  I would dare to say she has to make a conscious decision each day, since she is dealing with something physically uncomfortable.  She chose to laugh instead of run me over.  I appreciated it.  And it made me smile more. 

Because this is water.  It's all water.  {You will get it too...just read the book}

Get the book from the library, or wherever.  Read it.  {It has a few swear words in it, but just get over it and read the beautiful speech that reminds me everyday to make a positive choice}.  It will literally take you 15-20 minutes.  And don't let me fool you~I don't walk around sprinkling holy water on people.   I get annoyed sometimes too.  But the book will remind you to take an everyday situation like grocery shopping or traffic, and make it an opportunity to practice empathy and compassion~it's a choice.

Have a great day, and do what my Nana always said to do {no, not to drink another highball~well, okay, but only if it's after 5pm}...smile, she always said to smile.

{Jenn}

Prepare

In my first week of having this blog...I realize I am being a bit ambitious here...I am going to try to keep up with the thoughts flying through my mind, as I think of what to write next.  And here's hoping I don't run out of something to say that makes sense {be warned...I can talk forever, so if that is any indication, I will never shut up here either}.

This is a follow up to some "meeting preparedness" tips I tell my friends about before they go to their IEP meetings.  This is my experience, anyway...

Whether it's a steering meeting, or your child's IEP {Individualized Education Plan}, you want to be prepared.  As a teacher, I held IEP meetings regularly with families, and thought nothing of it.  It was a typical part of my day.  I assessed the child, prepared goals for the school year, presented to the family in the meeting as thoughtfully as I could, and went on with the everyday task of educating the child. That was it.
Then my daughter qualified for services.  I had been home {I stayed home after having our first daughter} and realized that I would be attending the meeting as a parent...not as the teacher.  It was surprising how that made me feel.  It's different being on the other side of the fence.  I was nervous.  I realized that maybe people may not agree with what I felt was best for my girl, and the emotion of it took me off-guard.  I knew all the members of the IEP team, for goodness sake!  I had worked with all of them, and they are kind, sweet people!  Why was I so 'turned around'?

It's just different when you are the one invited to discuss your child.  

I suddenly realized that every parent who walked into my IEP meetings over the years was probably very nervous, especially since they weren't in the field.  I never really thought about that.  Here I was, a person fresh out of the profession, and I was nervous. I knew the law.  I knew the line by line document very well.  Still, when it's your child, it's different.  Emotions cloud your logical mind.
The meeting went just fine, and they always do.  As long as you go into the meeting knowing you are a participant, not just an observer, you can make your child's IEP a living, breathing document that molds their education, and gives them the accommodations they will need to be successful in the classroom.  But you have to be prepared to give thoughtful, meaningful input into the document, or else you will be an observer.  And if you let everyone else do the work, and you aren't happy with the finished product....well....you can't really complain.  Well, OK, you can complain, but in your heart of hearts you will know that you could've done more to speak up, and thoughtfully voice your opinion.  So save yourself the aggravation  and go into your meeting prepared.
Here is the cheat sheet for when you have to attend an IEP...it's what I always have with me:

1. Have all of your child's current documentation.  If your child has recent evaluations from doctors, have it with you.  I keep a binder of all of my daughters assessments done outside of school, as well as as section of school IEP information.  It travels with me.  Put the documents in page protectors.  If school needs copies of it, they can make them on the spot.
2. The teacher will ask you about strengths and weaknesses of your child.  Think about this.  Don't just say they are a 'happy kid'.  This needs to be meaningful.  Tell them your child excels at artistic tasks, loves to paint, ect..  {To a teacher that tells me instantly that your child is probably a visual learner, and will need visual prompts in the classroom for their success~that is very important}  
3. As far as struggles, really think.  Do they have a hard time listening to you when you ask them to do more than one thing?  That's important to know. {In teacher speak, that will sound like "has difficulty following directions containing more than one step".....the goal might sound like this..." insert name will be able to follow a 3-step direction with minimal (give number) teacher prompts by (end of school year date) at  90% accuracy}....see how your input is molding the goals on the IEP?  If you said, "doesn't listen to me", that does not help write a goal.  
4. As far as educational needs, yes, the teacher will have suggestions for the educational goals, but what areas has your child struggled with in past classroom/Pre-k/daycare environments?  If you have concerns in reading, or decoding and there isn't a goal presented, speak up.  Ask if you can add one.  The teacher knows how to word the goal.  It's OK, you are part of this process, remember?
5. Know the types of classrooms setting your child could be involved with.  Are they currently in a 'typical class'?  Is there an inclusion classroom?  Do you think your child would benefit from a pull-out situation, or a separate classroom setting?  If they are not in an inclusion class, is there a para-educator that can help them?  Remember, focus on your child here.  Don't let any of the stigmas of society hang on you here~this is not about you, put your ego away~it's about helping your child.  Let you child get the help they need and feel successful, when you see them thriving, you get the benefit too.
6. Know whether or not your child will be receiving any special services, like OT {occupational therapy}, PT {physical therapy}, or Speech and Language therapy.  The IEP is the document that houses all of this information.  Make sure it is listed, goals for the services make sense, and the way the therapy will be delivered is noted.  Is it pull-out {in different classroom}, push-in {in the regular classroom setting}, or a combination of those two models?  The frequency of services will also be listed here.  Is is daily?  Three days a week?  Make sure it is accurate.  This is a legal document.

Above all, know that you are a part of the IEP team.  Your input is valuable, as you know your child best.  As someone who has been on the teacher side, I can say that meetings are much more productive when parents come to the meeting with an open mind, and calmly discuss their feelings. Going off on a teacher never really goes over well.  And it's counter-productive to getting an effective plan in place for your child.  I realize that not all situations are like mine.  Our school district is wonderful~I'm lucky, I get that.  But I can tell you that no teacher goes into education for the money, they go into it because they want to help children.  The whole "summer off" deal has melted away for teachers~at best, they get July off, and even then they are cutting out name tags for your kids.  Seriously, they do way more work than people know.  In any other job, if you work overtime, you put in to get paid.  In teaching you do it because you love your students.

I can tell you that from personal experience~when your kids were in my classroom, they were "my kids".  I hope this helped prepare you for that upcoming meeting! Any questions, let me know.

{Obviously this is my perspective, if you'd like to see a more "formal" bit on the IEP process and the law, click here, or just Google your question. God knows I have done that many times....}

Have a great day!

{Jenn}

Ask

I remember the day I was at AI duPont Hospital for Children for one of my girls {I should have a parking spot reserved for me there for God's sake} who had just been tested for CAPD {Central Auditory Processing Disorder} like it was yesterday.  It is a crystal clear memory. It was the day the Audiologist confirmed what I had known since my girl was about 2 years old.  Yes, she has a definitive diagnosis.  Yes, it is dual-hemispheric.  And no, all of these years when I thought I was losing my mind because "something was off, but I couldn't put my finger on it"...I wasn't crazy.  I was spot-on. I felt relief mixed with heartbreak for my girl.  She was having trouble all that time. It wasn't just toddler tantrums. 
{Here is a study someone did that was helpful to me, it's not long, and it is a bulleted presentation}
Soon after that the diagnosis of a "mixed receptive and expressive language disorder" came as well.  The pieces of the puzzle had finally come together.  Now I knew how to help her.  Game on.

She was 7 when this all came, because you have to be chronologically 7 to be tested for CAPD.  It feels like an eternity when you want to help your child, but aren't sure how without the 'label'.  Sometimes people complain about not wanting their kid labeled.  I get that on some level...but I am writing this to tell you something important.  Without the label, the targeted help will  not come.  You cannot fix the plumbing if you're not sure of the part that is broken.  Take away the stigma you may feel as a parent, or caregiver~it is the ticket to helping your child.  Especially if your child has an "invisible disability".  To others your child may seem lazy, or as a behavior problem...the kid who always acts up or has severe tantrums at the birthday party, or when it's time to go home a little early from the family event.  You know better.  And that's why from now on, think of yourself as your child's biggest advocate in school.

I have met other parents who feel 'something isn't right' as well, but don't know where to turn.  After all, the child "looks fine" and many behavioral things can be shrugged off as being tired, cranky that day, or maybe just 'being a kid'...kids act up sometimes.  So, you as the Mom or Dad start to feel the conflict that I did.  Is it me?  Am I reading too much into this?  Is it the 'special education teacher' in me that is looking for things?  

If your gut feels otherwise, believe it.  Start to write down situations where your child has difficulty.  Is it always later in the day?  Is it only when you have unexpected changes in routine?  When you go into the Behavioral Health dept at AI duPont  {or wherever you are going} like I did, you are going to want to share these things with the doctors.  And I am here to tell you it is emotional, so having a list of specific issues will help tremendously.  You already know my background, so when I walked in, I had a full on report written, and I had copies for the doctors.  I decided this would be just like if I was planning on an IEP meeting for one of my students when I was working.  My girl was my case study.  Take the 'Mommy' out of it, and get down to business.  Step out of the emotion.  How can I get the most help for my child now?  This is critical, because if you keep telling yourself, 'Oh, they will grow out of it', and your child gets to 4th or 5th grade, barely getting by, self esteem shredded.....you will have some more mommy-guilt than you need, and God knows we put enough on ourselves as it is! {I should say it is NEVER too late to get help for your child, this is just an example}

The question I get asked most about CAPD, and getting my daughter diagnosed is this...'How did you know where to go for help?  Who did you call?  What did you say?'.
You might expect something intelligent from a person who spent professional time in the field...and you would be wrong.  Here was my conversation with the woman who answered the phone at AI duPont....it's as close to verbatim as I can remember....{warning, I sound like a moron}.

Nice Lady: Good Morning, Office of Neurology, how can I help you? 

Me: Hi, um, I'm not sure.  Like, I'm not sure what I am asking for.  Um, OK, I know I need you, but I don't know what I need you for...  My daughter needs help, I think I want her screened by neurology, but I don't know what kind of screening you have.  So, I know I need you, but I don't really know how I need you...does that make sense?  I'm rambling, I know, I'm really sorry! 

Nice Lady: {laughing} No problem, I can help you.  Tell me what's going on with her. 

Me: {you can guess I rambled more...something like she mislabels things at home, language can be jumbled, she struggles in school, doesn't appear to understand what is being asked of her sometimes...} 

Nice Lady: Well, would you like a medical neuro, or behavioral neuro screen?  

Me: Oh my God, there are two kinds?! 

Nice Lady: {still laughing in a nice way} Yes, there are two kinds....from what you are telling me, it sounds like you may want Behavioral Health.  I can transfer you there, and you can talk to them.  Tell them you'd like to have a steering meeting to decide which direction you need to go.  Good Luck! 

Me: Thanks for being so sweet, I know I made no sense... 

Nice Lady:  You're fine! {laughing}  Call back if you need me.

That was it.  That's how I got on track to help my daughter in a very targeted, specific way.  The help and assessments she went through were thorough and definitive.  As an educational nerd, I cried when I read the report.  It was specific, gave sound, usable suggestions for school, and was a useful, beautiful picture of what I had been trying to articulate for years.  I wrote the doctor a thank you note for taking the time to be as thoughtful as she was in the report.

Let yourself be OK with asking for help.  It's OK if you sound like a total idiot.  You're not supposed to know that there are two 'flavors' of neurology at the hospital!  That's what they are there for.  Ask the questions.  Don't let your child suffer in school without help, and just assume the teacher will figure it out on their own.  Remember, invisible disabilities can look like other things.  Do you know how many kids the teachers have to teach?  How many meetings they have to attend?  The data they have to keep up with {that last one is a special shout out to my teacher friends...lol} on a daily basis?  It's unreal.  You have no idea.  They want to help each and every kid~but let's be honest~you are just as important in guiding your child's education.  

If everyday your child had to swim in a pool for 8 hours...and you knew they couldn't swim that well...would you send them to the pool each day, and just hope that someone threw them a raft when they couldn't tread water anymore?  I hope not.  I'd rather send them with their own life preserver.   

Go out on the limb for your kid.  Kindly tell the teacher, or the doctor, or the "Nice Lady" on the phone that you have no clue.  They will help you, and guide you, I promise.  
{OK, fine, I know there are crabby people in the world, so if you get a crabby one, call back and ask for the "Nice Lady"} 
Just ask.

Have a great day

{Jenn}

*If you'd like to know how I organized my thoughts for that initial meeting, I can give that info in a follow up post...just ask :)  It was very helpful, and the docs joked that I already wrote their report for them....it's worth being prepared.