Anxiety

If your child has anxiety about going to school, regardless of what grade they are in, it's probably as hard for you to watch as it is for your child to endure.  No one wants to see their child upset walking towards that school bus, or in tears going through the school doors.  There are ways you can help to ease the anxiety of your child, and ways to shift their attention often enough to make going to school an easier task.

I have been the mom who has left a very young one in tears at school, only to make it back to the car in tears myself.  I've also been the mom who had to wrestle the same child into a car seat when it was time to go.  It's rough.  And people don't talk about it~mainly because it seems like such a simple task~ you drop them off at a safe place, you pick them up from a safe place.  It would be nice if it was that easy to do all the time, and your child understood that.  I'm hoping if you came upon this post, then you will find it helpful for you or someone you know who may have a rough go of it. 

There are lots of situations I could discuss here, but let's focus on one for today, as my kids are on spring break....{that means they are keeping me very busy}...

~Your child doesn't want to come to school, or has anxiety over riding the bus~

There are instant things that come to my mind when I see a child who struggles coming to school:

1. I wonder if the child has difficulty during any transitional times, not just in school
2. I wonder what is causing the anxiety in the child for them to act out/refuse to leave their parent
3. I wonder what I can do to shift their attention away from the fear/anxiety they have

There are ways to address these issues, and they may be easier than you think.  Here is one attention shifting idea I have used over the years that has had great results...more ideas will follow, but you have lots to do today, I'll try and be brief... :)

The "IMPORTANT" envelope 
When riding the bus is new, or scary, or anxiety inducing {especially if it is after a break from school, or vacation}, you are going to want to shift your child's attention off of the fear of riding the bus/leaving you.  One way to do that is to give your child a "job".  A really, really important job.  A job so important, they are the only ones who can be responsible for it!  They must be the ENVELOPE DELIVERY PERSON who will deliver this envelope to a teacher, a classmates mom, the principal or whoever the heck is important in your child's eyes. 

Talk this up.  Pump them up. 

This is a job not even the president could handle.  Let them hold the envelope, and protect it while on the bus.  Or if they are a "I want it in my folder kid" then put it in their folder, book bag, wherever THEY want to put it. 

Let your child feel some control. 

It's hard going to school everyday, and your child has no say in it {thank God}.  Anointing them with this important job title is a big deal, and it helps them feel some control over 'having to go to that place again where they make you do work'.  Try it.  And on a paper inside the envelope, tell the teacher/principal  you were trying something to help them get on the bus happily, as a kid with a mission.  They will go with it, trust me!

Give them that 'destination person'.  It will focus their attention as they leave you, they can think about it on that bus ride, and when they get to school, there's no time to worry when you have a job to do.  They have to deliver that envelope to a very important person!  Go a step further and email the teacher, or make a quick phone call telling them what you're doing so they can really praise your little one for being so responsible.  Maybe even ask them to write a response back to you and put it in...get ready....ANOTHER envelope to send home.  The teacher wants to have happy kids in class, I promise you!

This simple activity will do three things:

1. Shift their attention to something positive
2. Provide a new focus {away from the fear}
3. Allow your child to feel in control

This may seem really simple, but sometimes the simple things are the things that work.  There is no harm in trying, right?  It can always be tweaked to meet your needs.

Do you have a specific issue you'd like me to help you figure out?  Just ask.  I love using that teacher part of my brain.

Have a great day!

{Jenn}

Homework

If daily homework has become the stuff of nightmares, it may be time to ask for some assistance...

Picture credit here

As a teacher, homework was something I cringed a little over sending home.  Not that I didn't think kids needed more practice, but I knew the kids would be beat at the end of the day, and I never wanted my extra work to be a burden for parents.

Some children...well, okay, most children work very hard all day to "keep it together" and remain focused on schoolwork.  By the time the bell rings at the end of the day, they are done.  Let's not even talk about how scheduled some kids are, with activities on multiple nights of the week. 

Take it from someone who had serious swim team practice {as a kid} every night of the week~it wasn't always easy.

We have to face it~kids are being asked to do more and more in the classroom, and that is not going to change.  But if the homework load is becoming such a tedious process, that it is turning your home life into a war-zone, it's okay to talk with the teacher. 

I'll give you an example from my own children.  One of my daughters has CAPD, and a "Mixed Expressive and Receptive Language Disorder" {I wrote about it here at length}.  Excessive homework is truly the stuff of her nightmares~and mine.  During first grade, she was getting a large packet sent home, with work for the week.  It was good, because we could do a little each night and get it done by Friday....in the beginning anyway.  Quickly it got harder and harder.  The nightly homework took longer...and longer to complete.  Frustration set in for both of us, and even as a teacher, I struggled with what I could do.  I solved the problem, and this may be an approach you could take too.

It was actually an easy fix.  I just sent her teachers an email.  I kindly described the difficulty we were having, and said I was willing to work with my daughter each night, but not to the point of "shut-down".  So we came to an understanding that I would work with her each night for a certain amount of time {20-25 minutes} on all that needed to be accomplished for the week {which included the homework packet, math on the computer, and reading a portion of a book}.  I would make sure we did a little from each page {like 5 problems instead of 20}, and I would be making sure she was understanding the skills~if not, I'd be letting them know. 

The teachers agreed.  And it made a GIANT improvement in our home life.  It became a manageable task, instead of an overwhelming one.  No teacher wants to be the source of your frustration, believe me {if you don't want to email the teacher, or cannot, then call the school and leave a message for the teacher to call you back.  Or maybe write a note and leave it in your child's folder}.

So, don't just keep dragging on, figuring the teacher is going to MAKE YOU do the entire packet with your child, if they can't handle it.  That is not good for anyone.  And the teacher needs to know how it's going at home as well~remember, they do not know the struggles you are going through unless you tell them. 

A simple email changed our evenings from hectic and frustrating to something we could handle.

Be that voice for your child.  There will always be a middle ground to settle on~be willing to find it. 


Any questions, let me know :)

Have a great day!

{Jenn}

PS~this is not a sponsored post, but I found the above picture from this site on Pinterest, and it fit the bill for my post here... :)   Looks like it links to a great resource as well!  Bonus.

Accommodations

When my oldest daughter was in kindergarten, she had a hard time remembering her school lunch code.  When you are in line, and you are 5 years old, it is daunting knowing that you will have to remember that number and punch it in all by yourself!  Yes, the lunch ladies are always helping with that, but my first thought was to make her an accommodation.  As a former teacher, I like accommodations that are invisible.  What I mean is that it helps the student without others noticing, so it's "no big deal".  So I embroidered her a fabric bracelet with her lunch number on it.  She wore it to school on days when she was buying lunch.  She thought it was cool, and all she had to do when punching in that number was look at her wrist.  Problem solved.  No embarrassment, or toe-tapping by kids who were starving in line.

When your child is having difficulty in school, the first thing you hope is happening is that the teacher is making accommodations for your child.  By "making accommodations" I mean that the teacher is finding ways to help your child complete a task to keep them on track with the pace of the lesson, and make it meaningful at the same time.

Believe me, teachers are constantly making accommodations {informally} all day, every day, as they teach.  It's being done "on the fly", and in more formal, thought out ways as well.  Think of it this way~when the eye doctor says you can't see that well, they give you the prescription to go get glasses, right?  So you put on the glasses, you see better, and just get on with life, right?  That's what accommodations can do for your child in school.  What makes them meaningful is when they are thoughtfully decided upon for your child's specific needs. 

Not every kid is going to need the same accommodation in order to be a successful learner.
If your child has an IEP, you are going to make sure that your child has specific accommodations noted in their IEP, as part of the document.  Yes, it should be in writing.  If it is just something you decide on verbally with the teacher, and that teacher leaves the class, or the child goes on to the next grade to a new teacher, you are running the risk of having the next teacher just guess at what is most helpful for your child.  Don't start over when you know what is working.  No one wants to re-invent the wheel, for God's sake, and the more time without the help you child needs in class, the more time they are frustrated, and possibly embarrassed.  They work hard enough to keep up. 

You probably already know lots of things that help your child at home...

• Does your child need larger print when reading text?
• Do you repeat directions frequently when you need your child to do something around the house {well, more than you normally would....}?
• Do you use picture clue reminders at home for routine tasks?

These are all accommodations, and can be transferred to the school environment.

In Delaware, we have the state test {DCAS}, starting in 3rd grade.  It's important to understand, as a parent, if your child does not currently have specific accommodations in the classroom setting, your child may not be successful with the accommodations you might come up with to be used during the state test {check out page 8 of this document from the State of DE website}.  They should be very used to the help they receive in school~if you throw something brand new at them during the state test, it could throw them for a loop.  You don't want that for your kid, believe me.

So, to be clear...

• Yes, the accommodations for the state test should match up with the accommodations listed in your child's IEP {which are usually listed on each goal page}. 
• And, yes, they are checked off on separate pages in a different area in the IEP {the "Student With Disability Form" is 4 pages long} so there will be multiple places in the document where accommodations will be noted.

They could be as simple as, "extended time for taking the test", or " intermittent prompting to remain on task".  Whatever it is, make sure your child is comfortable with the help, and it is meaningful.

That's all we really want, right?  We just want them to get the help they need to be successful in school and in life.  That's all the teachers want too.  And if you need help navigating through this, then ask!  I'm sure the teacher will accommodate you.

Have a great day.

{Jenn}

PS~I realize you are all not living in Delaware...the best thing to do is to go to your state Department of Education website, and look for links pertinent to your needs, if that doesn't help, ask me and I will see what I can dig up for you :)

Ask

I remember the day I was at AI duPont Hospital for Children for one of my girls {I should have a parking spot reserved for me there for God's sake} who had just been tested for CAPD {Central Auditory Processing Disorder} like it was yesterday.  It is a crystal clear memory. It was the day the Audiologist confirmed what I had known since my girl was about 2 years old.  Yes, she has a definitive diagnosis.  Yes, it is dual-hemispheric.  And no, all of these years when I thought I was losing my mind because "something was off, but I couldn't put my finger on it"...I wasn't crazy.  I was spot-on. I felt relief mixed with heartbreak for my girl.  She was having trouble all that time. It wasn't just toddler tantrums. 
{Here is a study someone did that was helpful to me, it's not long, and it is a bulleted presentation}
Soon after that the diagnosis of a "mixed receptive and expressive language disorder" came as well.  The pieces of the puzzle had finally come together.  Now I knew how to help her.  Game on.

She was 7 when this all came, because you have to be chronologically 7 to be tested for CAPD.  It feels like an eternity when you want to help your child, but aren't sure how without the 'label'.  Sometimes people complain about not wanting their kid labeled.  I get that on some level...but I am writing this to tell you something important.  Without the label, the targeted help will  not come.  You cannot fix the plumbing if you're not sure of the part that is broken.  Take away the stigma you may feel as a parent, or caregiver~it is the ticket to helping your child.  Especially if your child has an "invisible disability".  To others your child may seem lazy, or as a behavior problem...the kid who always acts up or has severe tantrums at the birthday party, or when it's time to go home a little early from the family event.  You know better.  And that's why from now on, think of yourself as your child's biggest advocate in school.

I have met other parents who feel 'something isn't right' as well, but don't know where to turn.  After all, the child "looks fine" and many behavioral things can be shrugged off as being tired, cranky that day, or maybe just 'being a kid'...kids act up sometimes.  So, you as the Mom or Dad start to feel the conflict that I did.  Is it me?  Am I reading too much into this?  Is it the 'special education teacher' in me that is looking for things?  

If your gut feels otherwise, believe it.  Start to write down situations where your child has difficulty.  Is it always later in the day?  Is it only when you have unexpected changes in routine?  When you go into the Behavioral Health dept at AI duPont  {or wherever you are going} like I did, you are going to want to share these things with the doctors.  And I am here to tell you it is emotional, so having a list of specific issues will help tremendously.  You already know my background, so when I walked in, I had a full on report written, and I had copies for the doctors.  I decided this would be just like if I was planning on an IEP meeting for one of my students when I was working.  My girl was my case study.  Take the 'Mommy' out of it, and get down to business.  Step out of the emotion.  How can I get the most help for my child now?  This is critical, because if you keep telling yourself, 'Oh, they will grow out of it', and your child gets to 4th or 5th grade, barely getting by, self esteem shredded.....you will have some more mommy-guilt than you need, and God knows we put enough on ourselves as it is! {I should say it is NEVER too late to get help for your child, this is just an example}

The question I get asked most about CAPD, and getting my daughter diagnosed is this...'How did you know where to go for help?  Who did you call?  What did you say?'.
You might expect something intelligent from a person who spent professional time in the field...and you would be wrong.  Here was my conversation with the woman who answered the phone at AI duPont....it's as close to verbatim as I can remember....{warning, I sound like a moron}.

Nice Lady: Good Morning, Office of Neurology, how can I help you? 

Me: Hi, um, I'm not sure.  Like, I'm not sure what I am asking for.  Um, OK, I know I need you, but I don't know what I need you for...  My daughter needs help, I think I want her screened by neurology, but I don't know what kind of screening you have.  So, I know I need you, but I don't really know how I need you...does that make sense?  I'm rambling, I know, I'm really sorry! 

Nice Lady: {laughing} No problem, I can help you.  Tell me what's going on with her. 

Me: {you can guess I rambled more...something like she mislabels things at home, language can be jumbled, she struggles in school, doesn't appear to understand what is being asked of her sometimes...} 

Nice Lady: Well, would you like a medical neuro, or behavioral neuro screen?  

Me: Oh my God, there are two kinds?! 

Nice Lady: {still laughing in a nice way} Yes, there are two kinds....from what you are telling me, it sounds like you may want Behavioral Health.  I can transfer you there, and you can talk to them.  Tell them you'd like to have a steering meeting to decide which direction you need to go.  Good Luck! 

Me: Thanks for being so sweet, I know I made no sense... 

Nice Lady:  You're fine! {laughing}  Call back if you need me.

That was it.  That's how I got on track to help my daughter in a very targeted, specific way.  The help and assessments she went through were thorough and definitive.  As an educational nerd, I cried when I read the report.  It was specific, gave sound, usable suggestions for school, and was a useful, beautiful picture of what I had been trying to articulate for years.  I wrote the doctor a thank you note for taking the time to be as thoughtful as she was in the report.

Let yourself be OK with asking for help.  It's OK if you sound like a total idiot.  You're not supposed to know that there are two 'flavors' of neurology at the hospital!  That's what they are there for.  Ask the questions.  Don't let your child suffer in school without help, and just assume the teacher will figure it out on their own.  Remember, invisible disabilities can look like other things.  Do you know how many kids the teachers have to teach?  How many meetings they have to attend?  The data they have to keep up with {that last one is a special shout out to my teacher friends...lol} on a daily basis?  It's unreal.  You have no idea.  They want to help each and every kid~but let's be honest~you are just as important in guiding your child's education.  

If everyday your child had to swim in a pool for 8 hours...and you knew they couldn't swim that well...would you send them to the pool each day, and just hope that someone threw them a raft when they couldn't tread water anymore?  I hope not.  I'd rather send them with their own life preserver.   

Go out on the limb for your kid.  Kindly tell the teacher, or the doctor, or the "Nice Lady" on the phone that you have no clue.  They will help you, and guide you, I promise.  
{OK, fine, I know there are crabby people in the world, so if you get a crabby one, call back and ask for the "Nice Lady"} 
Just ask.

Have a great day

{Jenn}

*If you'd like to know how I organized my thoughts for that initial meeting, I can give that info in a follow up post...just ask :)  It was very helpful, and the docs joked that I already wrote their report for them....it's worth being prepared.