When Alice fell down that rabbit hole, she didn't lose her physical self, she lost her mind, and later realized it was all a dream. When dimentia and Alzheimer's takes hold of a person, it starts out the same, then takes everything.
What happened 5 minutes ago literally only exists in your mind.
Funny how important those past 5 minutes become when you realize your loved one, dear friend, or partner has lost the ability to recall them.
I have taken my oldest daughter to visit a dear friend who is living with the debilitating effects of dementia and Alzheimer's disease. On more than one occasion during our most recent visit, I had to step away from their interaction together because I was so overwhelmed with emotion. The compassion my ten year old showed was nothing other than a gift. I was amazed at her intuitiveness, and how she just seemed to know how to focus on the touch, feel or sound of things with my friend. At one point, she took my daughters hand, looked straight at her, and said, "My buddy". Then she retreated back inside of herself. Making soothing, repetive sounds, and hand motions. We sat together, listening to ocean sounds on a sound machine, and talked to her about a beach trip we took together once. I imagine she was there in her mind.
Don't worry that your kids might be scared or worried about seeing others in a compromised state. They are stronger than us grown ups give them credit for. They have a capacity to love others and see past a disease. Straight through it.
We took my friend her favorite treat, a frosty from Wendy's, and it was the sweetest couple of hours just sitting, being with her. I know her soul knows ours. She welled up a few times looking at us. Her mind has betrayed her, but her soul has not. She knew us. She didn't have to say a word.
Sometimes the hardest trips are the best ones, and shine a light on the capacity for caring you didn't even know existed. It's powerful to be in the midst of a situation where grief, deep fear, and lonliness exists alongside beauty, caring and deep love. How can something be terrifying and beautiful at the same time? I really can't explain it, it just is. Better to focus on the beauty, and finding the way into that special persons soul, becuase the alternative, the fear, is too much for any of us to bear alone. I wouldn't want to be left alone just because it "appeared" that I couldn't understand anymore. I would want you to keep reaching me in different ways, never giving up.
Believe it or not, there was humor {in a kind way} in her new home. While we were sitting with my friend, a man was sitting at a table next to us, waiting for a snack to be brought to him. I could hear him crunching on something, so I looked over. He was gobbling up sweet and low packets off of the table. I (lovingly) said, "Don't do that!", and he cracked up. The staff member had her back turned for about two seconds, and like a kid sneaking cookies from the jar, he took advantage of the opportunity for a treat. She moved them away, and went to get juice and gingerbread for him. He looked over at me, slowly sneaked his hand across the table reaching as far as he could and shoved another one in his mouth. "Hey!", I called over to him, "Don't do that!". He had the cutest michevious grin on his face, how could I not giggle a bit? He cracked himself up.
A few minutes later, a woman in an armchair told me I looked exactly like her daughter, but asked when I became black {I'm not} ? I just agreed with her, and she told me I'd start being funny in about 4 months {good to know}. We laughed, she patted my hand and told me something about going outside, and buying real estate. In her mind it all made sense.
Smiling, and laughing along with the different residents all in their own different stages of their disease was just another way to deal with what was all around me.
In those moments, they were happy, cracking up, enjoying the visits, and the sugar packs....
At one point, the woman in the armchair stopped, thought for a moment, and said, "Thank you so much for coming here today. It means so much that you came". Whether she thought I was her daughter, or her neighbor, or whomever....she seemed to have a moment of clarity. Either way, I'll take it.
We enjoyed them too, and we'll be back for more.
Visit someone who could use a visitor...❤
Have a great day today!
{Jenn}
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