The Rabbit Hole...

When Alice fell down that rabbit hole, she didn't lose her physical self, she lost her mind, and later realized it was all a dream.  When dimentia and Alzheimer's takes hold of a person, it starts out the same, then takes everything. 

Stop and think about this for a minute.

What happened 5 minutes ago literally only exists in your mind. 

Funny how important those past 5 minutes become when you realize your loved one, dear friend, or partner has lost the ability to recall them.  

I have taken my oldest daughter to visit a dear friend who is living with the debilitating  effects of dementia and Alzheimer's disease.   On more than one occasion during our most recent visit,  I had to step away from their interaction together because I was so overwhelmed with emotion.  The compassion my ten year old showed was nothing other than a gift. I was amazed at her intuitiveness, and how she just seemed to know how to focus on the touch, feel or sound of things with my friend.  At one point, she took my daughters hand, looked straight at her, and said, "My buddy".  Then she retreated back inside of herself.  Making soothing, repetive sounds, and hand motions.  We sat together, listening to ocean sounds on a sound machine, and talked to her about a beach trip we took together once.  I imagine she was there in her mind.

Don't worry that your kids might be scared or worried about seeing others in a compromised state. They are stronger than us grown ups give them credit for. They have a capacity to love others and see past a disease. Straight through it. 

We took my friend her favorite treat, a frosty from Wendy's, and it was the sweetest couple of hours just sitting, being with her. I know her soul knows ours. She welled up a few times looking at us.  Her mind has betrayed her, but her soul has not. She knew us. She didn't have to say a word. 

Sometimes the hardest trips are the best ones, and shine a light on the capacity for caring you didn't even know existed.  It's powerful to be in the midst of a situation where grief, deep fear, and lonliness exists alongside beauty, caring and deep love.  How can something be terrifying and beautiful at the same time?  I really can't explain it, it just is.  Better to focus on the beauty, and finding the way into that special persons soul, becuase the alternative, the fear, is too much for any of us to bear alone.  I wouldn't want to be left alone just because it "appeared" that I couldn't understand anymore.  I would want you to keep reaching me in different ways, never giving up.

Believe it or not, there was humor {in a kind way} in her new home. While we were sitting with my friend, a man was sitting at a table next to us, waiting for a snack to be brought to him.  I could hear him crunching on something, so I looked over.  He was gobbling up sweet and low packets off of the table.  I (lovingly) said, "Don't do that!",  and he cracked up.  The staff member had her back turned for about two seconds, and like a kid sneaking cookies from the jar, he took advantage of the opportunity for a treat.  She moved them away, and went to get juice and gingerbread for him.  He looked over at me, slowly sneaked his hand across the table reaching as far as he could and shoved another one in his mouth.  "Hey!",   I called over to him, "Don't do that!".  He had the cutest michevious grin on his face, how could I not giggle a bit?  He cracked himself up. 

A few minutes later, a woman in an armchair told me I looked exactly like her daughter, but asked when I became black {I'm not} ?  I just agreed with her, and she told me I'd start being funny in about 4 months {good to know}.  We laughed, she patted my hand and told me something about going outside, and buying real estate.  In her mind it all made sense.  

Smiling, and laughing along with the different residents all in their own different stages of their disease was just another way to deal with what was all around me.  

In those moments, they were happy, cracking up, enjoying the visits, and the sugar packs....

At one point, the woman in the armchair stopped, thought for a moment, and said, "Thank you so much for coming here today.  It means so much that you came".  Whether she thought I was her daughter, or her neighbor, or whomever....she seemed to have a moment of clarity. Either way, I'll take it.

We enjoyed them too, and we'll be back for more.  

Visit someone who could use a visitor...❤

Have a great day today!

{Jenn}

Kim {part 2}

I need to say thank you for indulging me here.  It's almost 5 am as I sit here and write, I've been up since 2.  I'm not really sleeping much lately, before it was from worry, now it's from grief.  My friend Kim recently passed away from cancer.  She has a family that is grieving, and children who want their mom back. They are why I'm awake.  You didn't have to know my friend for this to be terrifying.  It's all of our worst nightmare, leaving our children too soon.  Kim fought her body in a battle to preserve her life for them.  None of us would endure pain like that for ourselves~but for our children?  Bring on the fire. 

Kim walked through fire for two years.  She knew it was stage 4 when she was diagnosed {started out as melanoma}.  There is no stage 5.  She fought for her children, her husband...and herself.

I had seen Kim when she was at a local hospital, but when she got transferred to the University of Penn, which was farther away, I couldn't get there like I wanted to, and still be back for my kids to get off the bus.  So each morning, since I was up worrying anyway, I spent time sending her distant Reiki {I will link this post up with some info on reiki, and talk about it more in another post, but just go with me for a minute...} hoping that even though I was not physically present, that Kim would feel the energy and love from those sessions, and maybe it would give her comfort on some deep level.  Sending distant Reiki is something like intercessory prayer, where you pray for someone who is not near you, or maybe who you do not know, and you hope that they feel your prayers, and are comforted. 

I finally figured a day when I could get up there, and my husband was working a shift that helped me out w/the kids {that day would be Monday, March 11th}.

Saturday morning, the 9th, I was up early again, and felt upset, moreso than usual.  I felt like I needed to bring out the 'big guns', and took my Nana's rosaries for the distant Reiki session that morning. I only bust those out when I need some extra help.  Saturday just felt like that kind of day. I sat in my Nana's chair and said a decade of the rosary, and began sending Reiki from the 'blue room' in my house, looking out a window towards the sunrise.  But the energy was totally different.  It felt thick, slow, not clear...like pushing your hand through gel.  It made me panic.  As I moved through her energy centers {you envision the person standing or lying in front of you} and got to her root chakra, I felt very little energy at all.  This should be a strong point, it is your life energy.  I felt very little life in her, and I was very overwhelmed with emotion. 

I didn't want to alarm Kim's best friend, but I texted her around 8 am saying I need to talk with you about the Reiki I sent today.....because maybe I was wrong in how I percieved the energy {I had hoped I was wrong}.  I figured I'd explain it to her on the phone later on.  But at 9:30 am I got the call from Kim's husband that she wasn't going to make it through the day.  I needed to come to Penn.  What I felt was real.

Luckily my sister was around to take me to the hospital so I could be with her, and when I got there, Kim's best friend asked if I would do Reiki for her with the family, so I did.  One of Kim's sons was there, so I explained what I was doing as I moved through the session so he would understand.  There was so much love in the room, the energy was palpable and overwhelming.  I could feel the love coming from Kim's heart chakra into the room for her family.  Her physical body was fading at an alarming rate, but her soul was in high gear, and she made it known to me she wasn't really leaving this family.  She would be with them forever. 
I told her that I loved her, stroked her hair, her hand, and told her that it was okay to go.  She had fought hard and long enough. I promised to help look after the kids, the house, whatever she needed.  Many of us would take up for her, so not to worry.  Even in her comprimised state she tried to ask me how I was doing.  I told her she could stop being the perfect hostess...we were there for her now.

Kim passed away at 8pm, surrounded by the love of family and friends.  It's interesting how when someone passes who you love, it takes your breath away too. 

I never got the Monday visit in~Monday never came for her.  I drove home yesterday and realized I should've been driving up to Penn for that visit.  Lost my mind.  But if I truly believe what I say I do, then I didn't have to drive anywhere to see her, she was already with me.  Heaven isn't a far away place, it is right here.  We walk among our loved ones, we just need to learn how to interact with them in new ways.  Energy cannot be destroyed, and one day we will all get to understand what that means. 

Until then, I'll be talking to her like she's in the room, praying for her family's strength, and trying to live up to my promise.  That's all we would want if it were us, right?

Be in the moment today....

{Jenn}

Water

My friend Nancy gave me the book, "This Is Water" a few years ago.  It's in the form of a book, but it is actually a commencement speech, written by an author who is no longer with us {David Foster Wallace}.   I have read it many, many times, as it only contains about a sentence or two on each page.  The subject matter?  Compassion.  I'm starting to see that when I write, it's one of my favorite topics.

My husband, who has always said he is "not a reader" has also read this book countless times.  I promise every time you read it, you will notice something else, or remember a situation that fits into the authors examples.  Read it, then sit with it in your mind.  Then read it again.

No, I get no 'kick-back' for you reading it...but if you know me, then you already know I am a bit of a 'book-pusher' :)  If I read something that moves me, I want you to be moved too.  I can't help it.  Know now that there will be more posts about amazing books on this blog.  {You have been warned}

The other day, as I attempted to hustle through Walmart to grab groceries while my youngest daughter was at a retreat for the afternoon, I was reminded of this book.  I'm actually reminded of this book a lot.  I want you to read it.  I want you to remember it too.

It was Saturday, it was the afternoon, and it was the day before all the news channels predicted we were getting snow.  Does that give you a picture of what the grocery area of Walmart looked like?  People galore, carts all over, and people riding those carts that beep when they back up {sometimes I wonder if the beeping is just a courtesy to let you know you are about to be involved in an accident...}.  It was really not the way I like to go shopping, but it needed to get done, so there I was. 

As I looked around, people looked kind of aggravated~not everyone, but a decent amount.  It reminded me that I had a decision to make.  This was either going to be the worst grocery shopping day of my life, or I was going to focus on something else.  I decided that I would just smile at people who caught my eye, and see how they reacted.  I wasn't going to get done any faster if I was ticked off, so I just smiled, and went along my way, expecting for it to take awhile.

What I noticed was people smiled back, even if their expression was of total disgust when I first caught their eye.  Remember, we were all like sardines, carts banging into each other....but making the decision to smile turned out to be helpful.  People seemed to get nicer.  They let me get by.  And something else I noticed?  Birds.  Above all the kids crying, people muttering under their breath, and general chaos, I could hear birds chirping {birds are a whole other topic for me....God knows that is another post~a former phobia of mine~but in this instance they were all good}.  So I focused my attention on hearing the birds chirping, flying around Walmart, and smiling {I don't meditate for nothing you know...it helps}.

When I got to the deli counter, I went to grab a number from the ticket~thing, but a woman pulled up in a cart, and beat me to it.  If I would've been sucked into the bad energy of everyone being ticked, I may have gotten aggravated, but I wasn't.  I smiled.  And the sweet woman, who reached up to take a ticket from her ride-on cart noticed me, and handed me her ticket.  I tried to say no, that I would take the next one, and she said, "Hey, don't worry about it, at least while I'm waiting I get to sit down, you have to stand!".  We both laughed, and I didn't fight her on it anymore.

It seems that she had a decision to make too.  I didn't know the woman, but clearly she had a medical reason to be on that cart, and she decided not to be angry about it.  I would dare to say she has to make a conscious decision each day, since she is dealing with something physically uncomfortable.  She chose to laugh instead of run me over.  I appreciated it.  And it made me smile more. 

Because this is water.  It's all water.  {You will get it too...just read the book}

Get the book from the library, or wherever.  Read it.  {It has a few swear words in it, but just get over it and read the beautiful speech that reminds me everyday to make a positive choice}.  It will literally take you 15-20 minutes.  And don't let me fool you~I don't walk around sprinkling holy water on people.   I get annoyed sometimes too.  But the book will remind you to take an everyday situation like grocery shopping or traffic, and make it an opportunity to practice empathy and compassion~it's a choice.

Have a great day, and do what my Nana always said to do {no, not to drink another highball~well, okay, but only if it's after 5pm}...smile, she always said to smile.

{Jenn}

Imagine

I set up this blog a month ago, and it just sat here, empty.  I wasn't quite sure how to start.  It wasn't that I didn't like writing, I've been writing for years...if you get the reference, it's like I have been 'Waiting for Godot'....and if you haven't seen that play~Godot never shows up.  The two main characters waste their time waiting for someone who never arrives.  So I figured I should just stop waiting and start writing.

You already know I am a former full time special education teacher, but these days I am working part-time as a reading intervention aide at a kindergarten center {here in DE} which allows me plenty of time in my children's classrooms, and I work very closely with a family whose child has Autism.

I've spent the last 11 years writing in journals (since I found out I was pregnant with our first daughter) as a way of documenting our life.  You can guess I have filled quite a few journals over that time.  Writing on the computer is something different for me.  I have a thing with handwriting.  I connect to it for some reason.  I think it says alot about a person, and when I see my Nana's handwritten notes, it's like she's back in the room with me again.  It's personal...and it's how I get alot off my chest~some lines smeared from my tears~and maybe one day, a long time from now, the girls will realize I really took the job of raising them right quite seriously...

Eventually I will put it all into book form, so my daughters will have tangible evidence in their hands on why I have gone nuts :)  When they re-read all of their crazy antics, and how much I have scrubbed off of our walls, they will understand.
In the meantime, I will keep writing before I go to sleep, and now I'll attempt to put some of those thoughts here....
And all of my journal entries to the girls end the same way...

{Love you all
Love, Mommy}

I am struggling today, as I think of what to write to the girls tonight.  I try not to be preachy to them, but today the news stopped me in my tracks at work, and I had to get my wits about me. My husband is in law enforcement...and when you hear of a shooting, where officers have been shot, your heart stops.  It doesn't matter if it happened in another part of the city, where you think your husband doesn't work.  It could even be out of state.  A cop gets hurt, and it's your husband.  Ask any cop's wife. 
That's a fact.
So a shooting occurred at the courthouse in the city this morning.  In the lobby where I, and many other people have stood, waiting to go through metal detectors for jury duty.  And I automatically know that my husband is at work.  And I know his specialties at work.  And I know if he's not there already, he will be within minutes.  And no, I don't like that idea.  Not at all. 
I know the gun debates have gone on as of late, and I know that shootings at schools, movie theatres, malls, everywhere for God's sake, make it impossible for us to leave our homes without being nervous.  But what I was thinking about today was this~and I don't mean to simplify a horrific tragedy today, or act like there is an easy solution~but every criminal, every person who suffers from mental illness that goes untreated, every person who puts their hands on a gun with malicious intent...they were all little kids at some point. 

Think about that. 
Think about when you were in kindergarten. 
We all probably can think of the kid who we know needed help...

What if we started teaching kids how to handle life situations from when they were small?  What if they had a class that was as regular to them as math, reading and recess?  I know there isn't a state standard for that...but shouldn't there be?  Of course right and wrong is taught through situations in the classroom, but maybe we need to make it a little more concrete.
Maybe it's because I spend my mornings everyday with tiny people, and I see the kids who appear well adjusted...and the ones who are not.  If children don't have coping skills, and don't learn them at home, shouldn't we be able to offer that during our 8 hour day, and give kids solid life skills training at school?  Even if it's 20 minutes a day, my goodness, can't we offer some type of curriculum?  I'll be the first one to sign on to write it. 
What no one wants to believe is that guns aren't the only debate~motivated people are capable of doing bad things...put up the wall and they will find a ladder.  But if human kindness was made part of their daily lives, would they be so inclined?  Why not also have a focus of teaching kindness in school?  Make it a subject for God's sake.  Kids who grow up learning kindness and compassion toward others turn into grown ups who practice kindness and compassion.  We can't risk leaving it up to chance anymore, that's a fact too.  I know that Jill Biden, an accomplished educator, would have to agree, and I hope she could have her husbands ear on this~maybe an issue as vast as gun control could start from the bottom up.  Imagine how different their adult lives could look if we started a nation~wide initiative with little ones now.
It couldn't hurt, that's for sure.
I hope the children who lost their mother in a senseless act today find some kind of comfort in their mothers family.  I don't know how that's possible, but my God, I will have those innocent kids in my heart.   
I'm off my soap box now...have a great day.

{Jenn}